Don't get the Split Attraction Model? Here's some sound advice

Looking at my church's sound board helped me think of a way to illustrate this concept nobody seems to get.

As a Baby Asexual and Aromantic, I often get hit with “this is so confusing” by my allosexual (non-asexaul) housemate, when I am still trying to make sense of it myself. This usually happens when I start trying to explain how I can be ace and straight, how others I know can be ace and gay, and one person I know can be ace, gay (well, queer these days, but that’s another post) and in a polyamorous marriage.

Then I start talking about the Split Attraction Model and felt the need to get out the powerpoint.

”There must be an easier way to explain all this,” I thought.

Then I went to church (where I serve on the worship team) and got to looking at the sound board. And I came back with some sound advice on how to explain this to your friends and loved ones. (See what I did there?)

Sound advice

OK, so first, the basic powerpoint on S.A.M. The Split Attraction Model, simply put, means that there are multiple types of attraction, set at various levels. And while for most of us, these forms of attraction are all oriented in the same direction and at similar levels, it’s not that way for aces, aros or really, anyone who calls themselves queer.

Now, let’s move on to the sound board.

Pretend that instead of representing the settings for each microphone, the settings instead represent each form of attraction.

For Aces, the lever that would be marked “sexual attraction” is completely off, or, for demisexual or gray ace folks, only turned up in the event of certain circumstances.

For Aros, the lever that would be marked “romantic attraction,” similarly, is off, or only turned up sometimes.

However, there are multiple forms of attraction also on the board. Some people experience sensual attraction, which can be mistaken for sexual attraction. There’s also aesthetic attraction, which basically means being drawn to someone because of the way they look (which is different than thinking they’re conventionally attractive) or platonic (wanting someone to be your friend.) And there’s other forms of attraction such as intellectual, spiritual, and others, some of which I’m just learning about.

In my case, the platonic attraction is set pretty high, the aesthetic attraction lever is moderately low (I’m really only drawn to guys aesthetically if they’re model attractive, like celebrities) and the romantic and sexual attraction levers are completely off.

And yet for years, I bought into the amatonormativity message, which teaches that marriage and romance are the end all, be all of everything, and relationships of this type are more important than any other. I believed that my life was not as good as that of others because I didn’t feel these forms of attraction, and I didn’t understand why.

I was attracted to guys. Guys were attracted to me. But they were never, ever, ever the same guy.

Remember that platonic attraction level that’s set very high in me? This means I meet a lot of people that I want to be my friend.

If that person is a female, I recognize immediately that I want her to be my friend.

But if that person is a guy, I get confused. I know right away that I’m not romantically or sexually attracted to him. And because I live in a world that teaches me that these are the only types of attraction that really matter, I start to ask myself why. I start to think that I would be attracted to him, if only…

If only he weren’t gay.
If only he were attracted to me.
If only he wasn’t already with someone.

Meanwhile, I also find something wrong with any guy who’s actually attracted to me. Which, by the way, almost never happens because guys are pretty good at picking up signals, and they realize I’m clearly not interested in them. And if they persisted, sometimes I was completely oblivious to their interest.

If I find myself drawn to the “wrong sort of guy” more than once, I start to notice a pattern, and it points straight at me.

“Why are the good ones always gay or taken? There have to be other good guys that aren’t taken. Why am I not finding them attractive? Am I just not capable of attracting a good guy What’s wrong with me?”

A tale of two friends

I have experienced strong, intense platonic attraction to many people, but I’m thinking of two examples. Both of them happen to be gay. (I used to think that was a coincidence, not anymore.)

I met one of them about a decade ago, long before I knew I was ace, and long before I knew about SAM.

When I met him, I felt an immediate, strong connection with him. We connected platonicly and spiritually. But I didn’t want him to be my boyfriend. He was too young for me, and I was the wrong gender for him. But I wanted him to be my friend. We could talk for an hour or more and not notice the time.

I met the other about six months ago, after I knew I was ace. The second guy was pretty, and I liked looking at him. But he, too, was way too young for me, and once again, I was the wrong gender for him. That was fine, because I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend, and he wasn’t looking for a girlfriend. I recognized the attraction for what it was, platonic and aesthetic.

When I first learned I was ace, my first tendency was to dismiss the crushes I had in my 20s and 30s as not being real. I now question what kind of attraction I mistook for romantic or sexual attraction. Was it aesthetic? Platonic? Spiritual?

I have always had a strong platonic attraction to gay men (I like to say I’m “drawn” to them because the language is less romantically or sexually coded) and now I know why.

A gay man will never sexualize me, hit on me, or view me as a piece of meat. They see me as a whole person and like me for who I am, not for what I can give them sexually.

So … if your friends don’t understand how somebody can be ace and still be drawn to others, introduce them to my friend SAM.

I like SAM. In fact, I experience very strong platonic attraction to SAM.

See what I did there?